


to reach nobody

by patriciaselina



Series: The Parallelism Project [5]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Tiger & Bunny
Genre: Crack Pairing, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Gen, Genderbending, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-04
Updated: 2012-03-04
Packaged: 2017-11-01 02:55:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/351158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patriciaselina/pseuds/patriciaselina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An auxiliary interlude chapter of the ongoing series The Parallelism Project. Chef Romana Vargas, also known as South Italy, finally gets her date with the Super Rookie, Barnaby Brooks, Jr. However, when a certain Spaniard and a certain Wild Tiger find out, things get complicated...</p>
            </blockquote>





	to reach nobody

"You siblings always did prefer blondes, didn't you." Francis, who was busy sandwiching cream with macarons, almost-sighed, regarding a fussy Romana whose hair was being pinned up by an overexcited Feliciano. "Feli has that mass of German muscle he always clings to, and now dear Romana's going on a date with _Monsieur_ Barnaby." The pastry chef shakes his head in an almost-paternal gesture, torn between being amused and being worried. "Though I am not so sure if it is best for a lovely young Italian like you to be going out with 'He Who Is Utterly Handsome But Bears English Blood'."

 

Her hair now perfectly coiffed and pinned back by her little brother, Romana glares at the older Nation and frowns. "He's nothing like _Inglatera_ , okay? It's just a day out, nothing's going to happen, dammit. I'm not like you, Bonnefoy."

 

At that, France can't help but raise an eyebrow. "If it's 'nothing', then why are you wearing that?"

 

"That" was a little black dress which was tight enough to show her assets to their fullest extent, and was short enough for Spain to call the entire Roman Catholic Church if he ever saw her.

 

Had Romana been some other, lesser girl, she might have been blushing up to her ears by now. But as it was, her glare only became icier and her aura became darker. "And here I was thinking you understood style at least half as much as I do, _Francia_. I'm a grown woman - hell, I'm a Nation! - I will wear anything I please, thank you."

 

And with that, Romana takes her coat - something she had picked out with Feliciano, an olive green trench coat that fit in just the right places - and walks out the door, scarlet red high heels clicking against the floor as she did.

 

Feliciano calls out the door, "Good luck, _sorella_!" before turning back to Francis. "Ve, Big Brother. You didn't have to make Romana so angry."

 

"Did I worry you Feli? I'm sorry." Francis offers the Italian a plate of his recent works - hibiscus macarons with fig cream - in apology; Feliciano makes this little happy noise and begins devouring them. "And I was going to give her and her Monsieur some of these...anyway, he said they'll be coming back for dessert, so I'll give these to them then." With his best stern look, France looks at Northern Italy and says, "Leave some for your sister and her date, okay?"

 

"Ve~ Of course, Big Brother!"

 

Francis shakes his head for what would've been the nth time that afternoon. "Honestly. Do you two not worry about what Antoine would feel about this? He isn't that happy about you and _Allemagne_ together either, and seeing his beloved little Roma with Barnaby, whose family hails from _Angleterre_ -"

 

"Oh, that?" Feliciano says after munching on a macaron. "That's exactly the reason why Big Brother Spain doesn't know about _sorella_ 's date with Barnaby!"

 

"Your _sorella_ has a...what?"

 

Feliciano drops the macaron in his hands when he sees the wide-eyed Spaniard at the front door, whose green eyes and tan hands are trembling. "Oops."

 

"With...with...Bunny?"

 

Francis, on the other hand, sees the other tan-skinned man beside Antonio, whose golden eyes are just as wide and whose hands (gripping that infamous hat) are just as trembling. "Make that a double oops, Feli."

 

=

 

Romana and Barnaby have been walking around for around two blocks now (he had insisted on taking her to the Fortress Tower restaurant by car, but she had insisted on window-shopping - and walking would give her a good reason to hold on to his biceps, as well) when Romana, not for the first time, feels something off. "I think somebody's following us."

 

"Hehh. When do they stop doing that?" Barnaby says in a breezy tone that makes Romana think he is referring to some of his more ‘rabid’ fangirls (who, true to form, can't stop looking at them either), and so she relaxes. But he already knows that it weren't the fans that were following them - knows that the tall man with dark shades is lingering beside the food cart for too long, that no scarf could ever hide those two kittens on the chin of the other man.

 

Good heavens, _Kotetsu_ knew. How was Barnaby going to go about this?

 

Putting on a facade of easy conversation, Barnaby places his free hand over the one around his arm and squeezes. "Romana, do you, by any chance, know a man with tan skin, green eyes and curly brown hair?"

 

His companion says nothing, but the sudden flinch that passes through her body tells Barnaby everything that he needs to know. "Why do you ask?"

 

"Nothing, Chef Francis just told me about him yesterday. One of your big brothers, right?"

 

"Oh. Okay." Romana looks back at him again, her smile set firmly in place, but her eyes still worried. "He's not the one following us around, isn't he?"

 

"Come on, Romana. Everyone is looking at us-" -and here he caresses the side of her face, relishing the way the man in the scarf – Kotetsu – five meters away flinches- "-because you're beautiful. Plain and simple."

 

From about five meters away, Kotetsu drops the newspaper he was supposed to be hiding behind, a look of outright confusion spelled out on his features. Barnaby's smile goes even wider, remembering the way he himself had felt when Kotetsu had canceled on their night out to stand in for Blue Rose's missing prom date. Justice is served.

 

"You say the sweetest things, _dolcezza_." Romana replies, kissing the Hero on his cheek. On the other hand, the tomato in Spain's hands bursts in a flurry of red juice and gold seeds.

 

"A-ah, Carriedo!" Kotetsu stands up to alarm, not minding the pair they were tailing for the moment. "-your shirt!"

 

"Ah?" The Spaniard looks down on his shirt, and true enough, the tomato's juice has stained it a deep red. Antonio thinks nothing of it, though, and shrugs his shirt off, replacing it with the suit jacket he had slung over his shoulder earlier. "Do I look okay now, _S_ _eñor_ Kaburagi?"

 

"Looks like something Bunny would do," Kotetsu says sagely, nodding to himself. "Speaking of, we've gotta keep up with them!"

 

Spain frowns, adjusting France's dark shades on his face. He knows that England has a matching pair of his friend's shades, but at the moment he decides to not think of it. "Where are they going, anyway?"

 

"The restaurant at the Fortress Tower. It’s got an awesome view at night, must be all the full-length windows. Bunny and I were sent there once, and we defused a bomb-"

 

Antonio's steps screeched to a halt. Kotetsu could almost imagine the Protective Big Brother Bells ringing in the other man's head. "Wh- Bombs? Bombs? My beloved _tomatilla_ is going somewhere which used to have a bomb in it?"

 

"Whoa. Cool it, Carriedo. We took care of it; since then, it's been a perfectly safe restaurant for the past few years. And they make really good pasta - not as good as the dishes Chef Vargas makes, but good enough for Bunny to take her there."

 

"It would be ungentlemanly for a man to make a lady cook on their own date, so I'm a bit relieved he didn't stoop to that."

 

"Bunny loves Chef Vargas' dishes, but he won't even think of letting her cook on her day off." Kotetsu says with a little chuckle. The pair is back in their line of sight again - some of Barnaby's fans stop him for an autograph, which he gracefully accepts. As the fans grasp the papers in their hands and giggle as they leave, Romana smiles and tells Barnaby something that makes him press his lips to the top of her head. Kotetsu checks Antonio's hands, sees no split tomatoes there, and relaxes.

 

"That _gringo_ -! If he so much as puts a hand around my dear sweet Romana-"

 

Barnaby dislodges the arm Romana has around his bicep to wrap his arm around her waist; she makes this little yelp and laughs. "Umm, too late for that, I guess."

 

" _Mierda_ , Brooks!"

 

=

 

"Beef, _dolcezza_?" One of Romana's eyebrows quirks up as their orders are served. "I never knew you ate meat."

 

"I didn't know you thought of me eating meat as such a foreign concept, Romana."

 

"Oh, I know your orders very well, _dolcezza_ ; walnuts, broccoli, asparagus...and let's not forget the first order you had, the spinach pasta."

 

"Wasn't your brother the one who took my spinach pasta order?"

 

Romana has no choice but to laugh at that, then. It would be of no use for South Italy to explain that she somehow was both Romana and Lovino right now, after all. "Indeed, it was my brother. But still, you can't deny the pattern..."

 

"I actually do like beef - but not to the extent of Rock Bison's adoration for it, mind you - however, yes, you are right, this kind of meal is not...something I'd prefer most of the time."

 

"Of course." Romana grins, hand reaching to squeeze Barnaby's forearms. "Biceps like these don't just appear out of nowhere, you know." Her gaze then travels further down, under the table. "The same goes for legs like those, as well."

 

Now, Kotetsu had just tossed Antonio a piece of cutlery just to placate him and make the Spaniard's hands do something other than strangle empty air, but he did not expect the man would destroy the spoon beyond all hope and attempt to hurl it at Kotetsu's partner. Naturally, Kotetsu had to restrain the man.

 

"That little-! He's making my little Romana act so lewdly! Let go of me, Kaburagi, let go for I will make him pay!"

 

"Carriedo! Please, please get a hold of yourself for a minute!" He grabs the other man's shoulders, looks him in the eyes. "Let's calm you down. Do you want to get some fresh air? Let's go back to the entrance...at least we could still see them if they leave, _si_?"

 

Antonio isn't too keen on the idea, but at least if they can guard the front of the house, somehow ‘bump into’ the pair, he can finally confront this Barnaby person on his intentions for his Romana. " _Si_."

 

Absently, Kotetsu finds himself wondering if he'd act like Antonio if ever Kaede grew up and went on dates. (He thinks he will. He also thinks Bunny will be the one calming him down, for some reason.) Also, he finds himself thinking whether Bunny has a death wish, allowing such flirtation to ensue. He's not that useless - he's not so confident as to say that they had followed the two around and Bunny didn't suspect a single thing. So it's entirely possible that Bunny knew Kotetsu and Romana's overly-protective big brother were trailing them; why was he still reciprocating the girl's flirting? Why was he not telling her to 'keep her hands to herself'? (And, most importantly, why was Kotetsu seeing red when he thought of these questions?)

 

On the other hand, Barnaby had just spoken. "Of course I'd have to keep myself in shape," he replies, laughing and not at all embarrassed. "I am a Hero, after all."

 

"King of Heroes." Romana says, raising her wine flute before bringing it to her lips, taking a sip. "The one and only."

 

"I think that Sky High and Blue Rose would disagree with you, though..."

 

"Blue Rose's a Queen," The Italian points out with a raised eyebrow. "And besides, you're the only King in my eyes."

 

"You say the sweetest things."

 

"Oh, but you only deserve the sweetest things. It's what I mean all the time, when I call you: _dolcezza_ , 'with sweetness'."

 

"It seems I can never get away from feminine nicknames. But since it's from you, I don't mind."

 

"It also means 'my darling'." Romana almost-purrs, leaning closer. "This really does not mind you at all?"

 

"If calling me such makes it easier for such a lovely lady like you, then I do not mind."

 

"Such a gentleman." Romana nods to herself, suddenly remembering her own meal and eating it. "You still did not answer why you ordered the beef."

 

"When we were here the last time, Kotetsu had pointed it out to me on the menu. Said I should try it out someday. I thought he was joking, so I didn't mind it. But now, I looked at it again," and there is a smile on his face, why was the old man the only one who could make him smile like that, "It was beef stroganoff. I said it was one of my favorite foods in one of the interviews we had, I could not believe he still remembered that."

 

Romana still has a hard time getting used to the concept of the old man remembering... _anything_ (seeing as he usually forgot everything from his domino mask to the language he was supposed to be speaking to his daughter's birthday) but hey. Whatever makes Barnaby smile like that is fine with her, right?

 

"Also, I was definitely not going to order pasta. Knowing you has given me higher expectations about how pasta should be done."

 

She likes this return back to their normal flirting, yes she does. "I told you I should've cooked for you, instead. We should've gone to _La_ _Campagna_."

 

"But you told me this was your day off...? I won't let you work on your vacation, Romana."

 

"Kirkland can call himself a gentleman anytime; the only perfect gentleman is you!" Romana mutters under her breath, mindlessly. Barnaby hears this and tries not to smile. "How's the beef, by the way?"

 

"Why, it's not like your dishes, which bring me to nirvana at the first bite." He says, she chuckles. "But it grows on you, I guess."

 

 _Like the old man had grown on you_ , Romana thinks in the darker recesses of her mind.

 

=

 

The Nation of Passion and the Hero (whose trading card's highest statistic was also Passion) walk down the streets of Sternbild, feeling dejected and down on their luck.

 

In the middle of 'calming themselves down' from tailing the Chef and the Bunny, Antonio had suggested they have one drink. Or maybe two. Or three. Or four. And it went on and on before they forgot who they were tailing and where they were supposed to be.

 

"She told me she hates everyone, but she hates me less! How is that true, in the face of this - all this getting touchy-touchy and lovey-dovey! I CAN'T ALLOW THIS!" Antonio, formerly the mighty empire of Spain, sobbed disturbingly as they walked (wobbled, more like) back to _La_ _Campagna_ , reminding Kotetsu of another Antonio he knew. "And why did she have to choose one out of Kirkland's spawn? Had she not been listening to me the whole time?"

 

"The whole time," Kotetsu mumbled blearily, eyesight blurring even if he wasn't crying. No, he was not. (Why should he be?) "He never told me he had the hots for the chef. And here I was thinking we were buddies, and, and he doesn't tell me everything!"

 

Spain's steps screech to a halt. "Everything?" He knows what this means.

 

"Wait, did I say everything? I meant, anything...he didn't say anything about liking Chef Vargas..."

 

"No, no, you want him to tell you _everything_ , _amigo_ , that's what you said." The flush that spreads through Kotetsu's already-reddened cheeks makes him look more like a tomato than young Roma looked before, and Antonio can't help but smile. " _Amigo_ , if you want someone to tell you everything about them, you must be prepared to tell them everything about you as well. Friendship and love are two-way streets, after all."

 

...Spain always did give his best advice when drunk.

 

The Spaniard wraps an arm around Kotetsu's shoulder, and the Hero is still lost in his drunken haze. Spain keeps talking. "That might've been kind of the reason why Roma always keeps me away, huh? That girl, she's almost like a daughter to me. I love her like crazy, and expect nothing less from her, as well..." A short pause, and Antonio hiccoughs. "...but I wasn't always around. I was busy colon...I mean, working. Most of the time, I didn't tell her where I was...or what I was doing, even if she already knows. She's a smart girl." Fresh tears flow from Antonio's eyes; Kotetsu understands. Such are the travails of fathers leaving their little girls behind. "She knows what she's doing - but why with that man who has _El Diablo_ ’s blood...oh, _Dios mio_..."

 

"Bunny's not th' devil, 'f that's what ya' mean," They are both swaying as they walk now, all the alcohol finally catching up with them both. "Neither lit'rally or...whawazzatword...figu, [hic] fig'ratively? He's a nice kid, that. That Barnaby Brooks Juniaaaaa..."

 

Two people rush to meet the two drunks, with another pair following closely behind. From the smell of marshmallow icing and espresso, Kotetsu deduces that it must be Francis and Feli - the pastry chef and barista. On the other hand, the pair behind the first two, which smells like fresh pasta and the ocean...

 

" _Tomatilla_! Why'd you have to go and make _hermano_ so worried huh, huh, Romanaaaaa~"

 

"Eww! Let go of me, _España_! Let go of me at once!" The young chef screams, forgetting about her date for the moment, cursing in all her available languages. "Damn it all, you're getting snot on my good dress! Let go of me, Carriedo!"

 

Barnaby is at Kotetsu's side before he could even think of anything else. "Kotetsu. Are you okay?"

 

"Baniiii." From the looks of it, drunken Kotetsu has reverted back to his mother tongue. " _Omae no deito, tanoshii desh'kaaaaaaaa_?"

 

" _Tanoshii desu yo, ojisan_." Barnaby says with a long-suffering sigh. Even in his mother tongue, the old man's grammar was hopeless. Or maybe that was the alcohol speaking? "I'll drive you home, old man. Surely you can walk on your own, can't you?"

 

" _Memaiga suruuu, baniiiii_." Kotetsu whines pathetically, his head burrowing deeper into the crook of Barnaby's neck. " _Tasuketeee_."

 

Barnaby slings Kotetsu over his shoulder like a sack of rice, then, and takes a hold of the older man's flailing legs. "Princess carry, then." He stops, turns to his Italian date. "Romana, I'm terribly sorry I couldn't escort you home. Unforeseen circumstances, you know," he says, gaze pointing to the old man asleep on his shoulder. "But I would love to accompany you again."

 

With one strong right hook, Romana finally gets Antonio off of her dress. "Oh, no worries, _dolcezza_! I had fun today...so keep coming back, okay? So that I'll always get to see your beautiful face."

 

"Will do," Barnaby grins back, doing that silly little two-fingered salute again. "And thanks for the macarons again, Chef Francis. You really didn't have to."

 

"Anything for a regular, _ma chere_." Francis says in reply, blowing kisses at the Hero tag team as they leave. " _Adieu_!"

 

On the other hand, Romana is, oddly, suddenly very silent.

 

Feliciano wraps his arms around his sister, then; strangely, she makes no move to swat him away or shout at him. "Ve, _sorella_ , are you okay?"

 

"I…will be, Feli." Romana says, her voice almost a whisper against the wind. She detaches his arms around her shoulders, and walks back to the restaurant, head down, face subdued. "Just let me change."

 

Francis is shaking his head again when he speaks, the smile stripped from his face; he looks sadder, somehow, almost distressed. " _La douleur exquise,_ " he says astutely, looking at Romana’s retreating frame as if he is her father and she is a child learning to walk for the first time. "I would doubt you’d know of it, Feli; you have always been loved by people the way you wanted to be loved. But no, I do not think anyone would be ‘okay’ right after that."

 

As Francis (with drunken Antonio in tow) goes into the restaurant first to finish tomorrow’s pastries, Northern Italy thinks back to the first time his _sorella_ – _fratello_ , Lovino hadn’t reverted into a girl back then – had met Barnaby. _Damn you're pretty. Are you sure you can't be a girl instead? What the - I'm not flirting, you idiot! He's just...just..._

 

Romana comes back then, changed into a loose, comfortable white shirt and denim shorts. She beckons her little brother closer, fixing two cups of cappuccino for the both of them. As if reading Feliciano’s mind, she completes his sentence. "He’s just an illusion, Feli." She smiles, but it does not reach her face. "I flirt and I tease and he plays along, but there’s nothing to it. I know who I am up against." She raises an eyebrow, and then Feliciano can see traces of his sister behind the melancholy. "Just because the old man is an old man doesn’t mean he can’t be successful in love, after all…Barnaby is a good man. He’s not going to replace that…that _something_ that he and Kaburagi has, whatever that is, for anything else. Not even for an extremely beautiful Italian woman like me."

 

"But…you’re okay with that, _sorella_?"

 

"Don’t worry about it, Feli." Romana serves her little brother his cappuccino with a smile so bright it could be a NEXT power. "’ _Saudade_ ’ is not a word that exists in our vocabulary."

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Dolcezza is something I picked up from an NCIS Tony/Ziva fanfic on AO3 – tielan’s “With Sweetness” – and I loved how it could mean both that and ‘darling’ at the same time, so in my TPP it’s how my headcanon Romana calls Barnaby. She doesn’t call anyone else by a pet name, mind; just him.  
> I don’t even know how this pair crept up on me. In the Kotetsu+Japan bit, Romana was still Lovino, and some way or another, my subconscious wrote that Lovino’s eyes register Barnaby as a girl. Ate Sisi and I got to talking about it, and somewhere along the way she suggested how Romano’d flirt easier around Barnaby if she were a girl. In the middle of that, Romano became a girl in my headcanon, just in time for the Barnaby+Arthur chapter. And since I could not get this situation out of my head, I decided to write them their own chapter, even if it is rather crack and nonsensical.  
> Also, in TPP, every other genderbend mentioned is a ‘sibling’ of their canon Nation, which is why in the Barnaby+Arthur, Rosalie and Marianne are Arthur and Francis’ siblings, respectively. But the Italian siblings are different – both Feliciano and Romano can actually turn from male to female at will. I am still not so sure how this’ll work, but to sum it up, Roma became a girl to lessen the confusing feelings for Barnaby. (Though if the concept really does confuse you – as it does me – just think that there are four Italian siblings and Lovino really did leave the restaurant to Romana. I think my head hurts.)  
> I also tried to put in more dialogue in this chapter! Umm, but I have no experience with flirting of any kind. Please feel free to cry at my lousy attempts of writing such scenes. OTL  
> Also, for the random Japanese! Kotetsu’s first sentence was a mangled attempt of asking “Bunny, did you enjoy your date?” and the words Barnaby uses to reply, which literally mean “[I] enjoyed [it], old man”, could then mean “Yes, old man”, for short. Kotetsu’s second sentence means “I’m dizzy, Bunny~” and the last Japanese word he says can either mean “help me” or “save me”. I personally find it amusing that in both meanings of the phrase, princess carries do apply…  
> Romana. Dear, sweet Romana. I know exactly how you feel. ;A; But at least you have Spain! Maybe.  
> Okay, so the ending just came out of nowhere, and it honestly confuses me. It concerns the concepts of “La Douleur Exquise” and “Saudade”, which could also both be categorized under ‘things that Tumblr has taught me’. The first one is French, and refers to the “the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you cannot have” or the “emotional heartache of the one whose love is not returned”. The second one is Portuguese and refers to the “feeling of longing for one that you love and is lost, vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, haunting desire for a lost/imaginary/impossible/never-to-be-experienced love”. Of course, none of these concepts apply to our dear Italian heroine’s little unreciprocated crush on a certain Hero…right?  
> Title comes from this: “My voice is dry from calling out your name/Echoing off the walls to reach nobody/There's nothing left for me to be connected to you/While I am standing here all by myself, all alone” –Luka Megurine, Just Be Friends. The song itself is angsty, but the title encapsulates what my headcanon says Barnaby and Romana’s relationship is as a whole…


End file.
